If I keep smiling maybe she’ll think I know what she’s talking about.
Years ago I co-hosted a morning network talk show, a TV version of the popular John Gray novel, Men Are From Mars … Women Are From Venus, along with friends Dr. Drew Pinsky, Cristina Ferrare, Rondell Sheridan and Bo Griffin (RIP).
In the 100-or-so episodes that were broadcast, I covered many cool topics relating to the differences in how the sexes communicate. Gray’s theory maintains that “men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions while women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged.”
Agreed. Both genders are guilty of misinterpreting each other’s words and actions because we speak two separate languages.
For example, when a man says “Not right now” it often translates to, “Please go away” or “Leave me alone.” Men need time-outs in their caves until they find a solution to whatever they’re figuring out, and they don’t want our help. There’s no mystery in what they’re saying, it’s to-the-point and straightforward. Men say what they mean.
The same doesn’t apply to most women. Instead, they drop hints. They beat around the bush. They expect men to know what they’re thinking. “I don’t want to talk right now,” is usually a passive way of getting a guy to pay attention as a sort of test. In other words, she’s asking if he cares.
To top it off, women often expect men to be mind readers. When they look away to avoid spilling tears, or they huff and they puff and mutter under their breath, they’re not happy. It’s written all over their faces, despite attempts to hide it.
To help men understand this “chick code,” dudes need a tool to help decipher ladies’ glossary of terms. The following are translations of the more common phrases men will hear coming out of a woman’s mouth:
1. Whatever. Truce. “I don’t feel like fighting with you right now so you and I should just agree to disagree.” We say this when we don’t want to get into whatever it is you’re bringing up.
2. Fine. Our way of ending a fight or preventing one from starting. When we say “Fine” you should consider yourself lucky, say “OK” and walk away. Just expect to hear about it later.
3. Oh, nothing. Definitely something. Except you are expected to know what that something is. This is where the mind-reading comes into play. If you still haven’t telepathically figured out what’s wrong by time we bring it up, then you’re in deep shit.
4. Do I look fat in this? Do NOT ever respond to this question with a “Yes.” What we’re really asking is if we’re desirable, if you’re attracted to us – not if you like our outfit. This is the moment you should sweep your lady up in your arms and tell her how she’d look hot even in a potato sack.
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Can you see my cellulite? Decode before you answer …
5. Should I wear this… or this? We’re asking, “Which outfit do I look sexier in?” Given a choice, guys usually go for the get-up that covers the most skin, (especially if you’re off to lunch with his mother). We know this, and usually go for the one you don’t want us wearing when it’s girls’ night out.
6. I’ll be 5 minutes. Give us at least 20, and please don’t harass us during this process; it will only make us nervous and fuck up our make-up, leading to at least another 5 minutes. This also can be code for, “Go pour yourself a drink, have a seat and put the TV on whatever it is you want to watch until I’m ready.”
7. Can I just blow you? There’s something funky going on downstairs. Whether we’re on our period, there’s a yeast thing happening, it’s sore from activity, or we’re just not in the mood to screw – I say take the blowjob boys, and call it an early night.
8. I’m on my period. “Can’t we just cuddle instead?” Rarely does this mean, “Let’s go fuck.” Period sex does indeed feel good at times, and if that’s what we’re looking for, we’ll let you know. Otherwise, please just rub us, pat our tummies and stop blaming “that time of the month” for our erratic behavior. It’s annoying.
9. Can we cuddle? We’re feeling vulnerable and need reassurance, or we just miss being held by another person. Either way, sex is the farthest thing on our minds. What we’re craving is the human bonding experience. That, or we’re on our period.
I believe all humans fall into one of two categories: You’re either a “sperm” person, or you’re an “egg” person. It’s the classic Yin/Yang principal, but put in sexier terms.
For those of you needing a refresher in Eastern philosophy: “Yin/Yang is a dualistic philosophy of passive and active, good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative, male and female, etc., and that they are in opposition, each is part of the whole and works together.”
My friend Dr. Pat Allen is a psychotherapist, motivation specialist, TV and radio personality, relationship expert, best-selling author, and even has a PhD. She has a proven relationship theory that stems from Freud and Jungian psychology and revolves around the concept of yin/yang, the Chinese version of quantum physics.
Personally, I get confused as to which is yin and which is yang, so that’s why I came up with a more simple egg/sperm philosophy to help explain it. The terms are relatively self-explanatory: The egg is feminine energy and the sperm is masculine energy, but your sex doesn’t determine your cosmic force. Men can be egg people and women most definitely can be sperm people.
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Aggression issues? You might be a sperm.
Sperm people are aggressors by nature. They go out; they conquer, they dominate. Egg people are passive and laid back; they’re receptive to change and give in to the shit that sperm people care about.
I believe that the most successful combo for a relationship is the pairing of an egg person and a sperm person. To avoid a stalemate someone has to give in. You can’t make it work with two sperm people or two egg people. Sperm people will constantly battle each other to be in control, whereas neither egg person will want to make a decision.
Recently on The Single Life podcast, I interviewed “insult comic” Lisa Lampanelli, as famous for banging black guys as she is her celebrity roast appearances on TV. We discussed my “Sperm and Egg” theory.
She’s married to a man she calls, “Jimmy Big Balls.” When she first saw his balls, which she calls “Horrifying,” Lisa says: “Wow – when did I get a beanbag chair? It looks like that thing a hobo ties on a stick and puts over his shoulder.”
(I can relate, lady. I’ve had those before and they are scary. But that’s another article.)
Lampanelli also admits that Jimmy Big Balls is an egg person and that he’s the perfect fit for her sperm personality. See, Lisa and I are both sperm people; we are Alpha females who are used to getting our way.
But unlike Lisa, I’ve notoriously been attracted to guys like me, other sperms. But these relationships never seem to work out. My buddy, Dr. Pat, says my perfect match is an egg because he’d let me take on the sperm role and make all the decisions, yet still allow me to feel feminine in the process. That would be the perfect yin to my yang.
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Do you tend to keep quiet until it counts? You’re probably an egg.
Lampanelli went on to explain her relationship dynamic with Mr. Big Balls:
“Egg guys will bend to you in matters that don’t matter that much…only to us. But on the tough stuff [they] will be like, ‘You know what, this is really important to me.’ If it’s a really important issue and it’s something [they] really want, egg people will still stick up for themselves. But it’s not like they’re going to fight us on every little thing. They pick their battles and we don’t. Everything to us is a battle. So it’s just like, we need to pick a guy that will fight [us] on the important stuff and that will put [us] in [our] place. They know what to let roll off their back[s], where we let nothing roll off our back[s].”
Not sure which one you are? Take this easy quiz to help you figure out your egg vs. sperm identity:
College can be the best four years of your life, or the worst depending on your Facebook status: “Single,” “In a Relationship,” or “It’s Complicated.”
A sexual coming of age for most students, going away to school is their first time living alone, free of restrictions, curfews and parental control. Finally there’s no one saying “No” to coed sleepovers.
If you’re fortunate enough to reside off campus then you have the freedom to do as you please, but dorm life can be a cross between living at home and living in a prison – often with someone else paying for it.
Wherever you lay your head, privacy is an issue when you live in close quarters. Scheduling alone time is like negotiating a NATO treaty: two strategic commands needing to operate in the same territory will create a no fly-zone. It’s the same with horny undergrads.
Campuses are breeding grounds for rampant alcohol-induced promiscuity. They can also be a barren wasteland of lonely guys holding their own dicks come Friday night.
If you don’t want to fly solo through your semester here are 11 guidelines for guys to make sure you’re first in line for takeoff and cruising at the right altitudes:
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A clean mouth is a kissable mouth.
Hygiene is key. Pay attention to your hair, teeth, nails and other body parts. That goes for your clothes, too. Always keep your room neat and tidy; you never know when the party’s coming back to your place.
2. Banging classmates
Don’t poop where you eat – if it doesn’t work out you’re left with a mess. Similar to office romances, when it’s over someone ends up having to relocate.
3. Move on
Don’t chase a parked car. You can’t force someone to fall in love with you, and at a certain point it’s called stalking. Know your type and whom to target.
4. Lip service
You’re not “the only one,” and yes, they’ve done it before, with someone else. Chances are if you’re you are second-guessing their protests your instinct is right.
5. Social Networks
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Facebook sex? Who doesn’t “like”?
Use them. Facebook, Twitter and MySpace are great for online intercourse when you can’t get the real thing. The more virtual friends you have, the better your chances to connect in real life.
6. Take a position
Join the debate team. Whether you believe in a cause or not, the ability to argue your case comes across as confidence. And chicks dig swagger.
7. Be present
Stay interested and interesting at the same time. It’s about your confidence, attitude, presentation, personality and humor. Be the life of the party and go the extra mile to make her smile.
Crysta Garner, Langdon Bosarge, Michelle Fanara, Gary Garver and Daymon Moses joins Sammy this show to talk about the serious side of going to college; 1st jobs, 1st sex experiences, partying, practicing diversity and tolerance, student loans, branding yourself, finding mentors, building relationships, going the extra mile, setting boundaries, paying it forward, work ethic, dream jobs, accepting change, false accusations, cliques, racial profiling and more. Plus, one of the group is brave enough to admit something personal and traumatic that happened to them when they were younger; it may have happened to you to, so listen to find out what you should do.
Chris Leary, Esai Morales, Monkey, Dimitri, Jose and Sammy discuss topics relevant to college students because Sammy wants to take The Single Life show on the road – to universities! Sammy has amassed her dream team of panelists and she’s spreading them between this show and the next one. This show’s topics include; banging classmates, how to masturbate when you have a roommate, safe sex, date rape, students that strip, tips to meet chicks, hygiene, and much more.
British rocker, TV icon, and old friend, Michael Des Barres plays with Monkey, Sammy and Daymon this show. Topics include; menage a trois, sexuality in white society, politicians cheating, the music industry then and now, Hollywood gossip, and the greatest rock stories about Hendrix, Bowie, Paige, Plant, Dylan, Jagger, Ozzy, Ringo, the band Powerstation and of course Michael’s ex-wife Pamela DesBarres! Plus, there’s a few acoustic treats as a prelude to Michael’s next show: Tuesday June 21st at the 3 Clubs at 1123 Vine St. in Hollywood, CA. Go to:www.desbarres.com for more information.
I’m not exactly the most “ass-friendly” person I know. In the past when men attempted to penetrate my pooper, my standard response was always, “It’s an exit dude, not an entrance.”
Despite my reputation for having a large sexual appetite, that’s the one dish I’ve had an issue serving.
My backside may have been more receptive to invasion had the few that dared been sensitive in broaching the subject.
Guys: You cannot poke a girl in the asshole with your penis and expect it to slide right in. Would that happen if I just tried to stick a dick in your ass?
We’re on the same page, then.
Ladies: If you’ve been traumatized by callous lovers in the past then you know that some men have no idea how to park the ship without damaging the port. Gaining access to the rear canal takes time, patience and practice, but mainly it requires constant foreplay and lubrication.
Whether you’re an anal advocate currently trying to get a girl to have butt sex with you, or you’re a newbie considering taking the plunge for the first time, here’s a list of 7 tips for the beginner getting it on in the behind:
1. Pep Talk
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Want her to put out? Start by talking it out.
Guys, if you’re currently trying to get a girl to have ass sex with you and she’s resistant, there are a few things you should address before attempting to open her back door – starting with the reason why she doesn’t want you to.
Her opposition may be because she’s tried it before and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. If that’s the case, you need to reassure her this time that with you, she’s in good hands.
If it’s something psychological, there may be past sexual trauma and it’s best not to push the issue beyond getting her to open up about it.
2. Clean Up
Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.
You want to make sure there’s no poop in the shooter. Ew, but essential. Pay proper attention to hygiene prior to so it’s one less thing to worry about during sex.
Ladies, you should shower and use an enema to empty your colon and rectal region. Not to be gross, but no dude wants “dingleberries” on his dick/condom when he pulls out. It’s awkward.
You may want to keep baby wipes by the bed and lay a towel under you during the act in case there are any fecal remnants or you need to wash off. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of dirty laundry.
3. More Foreplay
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Distractions are welcome while working towards, well… cum.
Having an object inserted into one’s anus is not the most comfortable feeling, especially if it’s of a substantial size. To be honest, it makes you feel like you have to take an enormous shit.
The best way to combat this sensation is to dazzle your lady with distraction by turning her on. Kiss her, suck her nipples, eat her out and tease her all over with your fingers, lips and tongue.
Speaking of fingers – guys, it’s important to keep your nails trimmed especially if you’re inserting them in an orifice, and please wash your hands before coming to bed.
Reassure her that you intend on spending as much time as she needs to feel relaxed and comfortable, and make sure you continue with foreplay throughout your sex session. Women are like Tootsie Pops; it takes a lot of licks to get to our soft center.
4. Use Toys
She should have been more specific when she said put a ring on it.
Foreplay includes rear end stimulation. Shop together prior to the big night and have your girl pick out her idea of the perfect sized anal trainer. Novelties for the novice can be found in any sex toy store or online toy site.
In bed pay attention to her erogenous zones (ears, neck, breasts, navel, inner thighs, clitoris, etc.) while working your way down to her asshole. Lick it slowly and tickle it lightly with your tongue, then insert the tip and leave it there for a few seconds. Do this a couple of times and soon the outer sphincter muscles will start to loosen up.
Introduce the trainer. Have her insert it (so she’s in control), lubed up, in her bottom, and leave it there while you guys fool around a while. When you remove it, her butthole will have been trained to stay open and relaxed around your penis, making it easier to be entered.
5. Safety First
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It’s great to float like a butterfly, but avoid stinging like a bee with proper protection.
Anal Intercourse is considered a high-risk sexual practice so it’s best to use condoms whenever engaging in it. The thin membrane inside the rectum is more prone to rips and tears than the tissue inside the vaginal canal which makes it easier to transmit the spread of HIV, HPV, Hep C, herpes, warts and other STD’s.
Another big no-no is going from ass-to-vag with fingers, toys or cocks. We girls never wipe back-to-front on the toilet because it transfers bacteria to our vaginas. Boys, if you want to double dip, change condoms in between holes and wash your hands with wipes.